What I Learned From Taking Care of My Mom, Part 2
Health lessons for life
In Part I last week, I chronicled the life lessons I gleaned from my mom’s 13-year stay with us in hopes of helping those of you dealing with similar situations and preparing for your own futures. Similarly, perhaps these common-sense, real-life health lessons will inspire and aid your loved one’s or your own health journey.
Weight compromises the quality of life
The decision to have my mom move in with us virtually made itself. Simple daily tasks had become difficult, and it was apparent that she was having mobility issues. After several falls that required paramedic calls because she couldn’t get up on her own, we realized that I could only do so much 500 miles away. The solution was clear.
After she moved in with us, I made it my goal to find out why she was falling. First, we needed to rule out dizziness or cognitive function, so I took her to a leading neurology center for a full workup. Aside from finding the expected age-related decline, there wasn’t a neurological reason for her falling. I started studying how she walked and noticed she slid her feet along the floor; she didn’t even lift her feet. Why?
After a few tense discussions—she wasn’t pleased with my questions—I deduced that lifting her feet was simply too hard. Life was laborious because of her extreme weight: 250 lbs. on a 5’3” frame. Shifting in bed was an arduous maneuver. (In fact, she rolled out of bed and broke her hip.) Getting from point A to point B was a challenge. My mom had become a prisoner of her circumstances.
It struck me how much of her life was dictated by the limits of her weight. Although she was very social and loved to travel, those aspects of her life had all but evaporated. I remember feeling very sad for her because she still had most of her cognitive functions intact and—in my eyes—still had so much life to live. That last decade could have been so much more productive and a heck of a lot happier if she had been able to participate in and enjoy life.
Easier isn’t better
When my mom moved to our home in California, our son was only nine months old, so it fell to my husband Andrea to travel to Arizona and assume the task of putting the finishing touches on her packing and then driving my mom (and her dog) back to California. She insisted he bag all the goods from her kitchen cupboards so she had her favorites. It wasn’t worth a debate, and despite his misgivings, he brought it all with them.
Good grief. Every packaged item you can imagine, from an array of “low fat” crackers and 100-calorie snack bags to desserts that can last 100 years. “Better-than-butter” spreads that she insisted she needed because they were “healthier” than butter and oodles more packaged things.
Although I was dismayed by the array of items (that I tossed, by the way), I couldn’t blame her. Food was her weakness, and she was particularly susceptible to highly processed food that masquerades as healthy and effortless when, in fact, it is covertly designed to be addictive. She was the ideal customer hook, line, and sinker for many years. Despite their persuasive marketing, packaged and prepared foods are actually detrimental choices, not only for maintaining weight but also for achieving overall good health.
Whole foods are the way forward
Have you seen the memes comparing the beaches of the 1970s to those of today? Considering I grew up in the 1960s and 1970s, they got me thinking. I started to reflect on my friends’ moms and other adults in my life back then, and I do believe—in general—people were trimmer and more active than they are today. Although there are many reasons for the disparity between then and now (and indeed, there was a fair share of packaged and processed foods during those decades), there weren’t the same immeasurable quantities and dizzying array of choices we have today.
After my mom settled in and our tussles over me throwing out her food were behind us, I began to change her diet. I decided to cook nearly everything she ate and to make strategic substitutions, such as natural, grass-fed butter for the awful “better-than-butter” processed spreads. (Nothing is better than butter!) I swapped packaged lunches and dinners for fresh-made salads with homemade dressings and simply prepared dinners of protein, vegetables, and the occasional starch to satisfy carb cravings.
During her weekly phone calls, I often overheard her complaining to her friends that I didn’t know how to shop, but I didn’t let it bother me (after the initial sting). The weight was starting to peel away, her blood pressure was falling, and the quantity of Tums she was consuming was less than half of what it had been…all good signs.
After about a year and a half of a primarily whole-food diet, she had gone from her high weight of 250 pounds to 175. Bear in mind that this was a woman in her mid-80s with minimal movement: not the picture of a perfect weight-loss candidate.
That experience solidified my thinking about nutrition and food. Since then, I’ve paid even more attention to my diet and will continue beating the whole foods drum loudly to whoever will listen (lucky you!).
Use it or lose it
After living with us for a while, I noticed that my mom had fallen into a pattern of avoiding what seemed difficult, which created a vicious circle. Because mobility was challenging and she wanted to avoid getting up too often, she created a self-contained world around her easy chair, tucking items in and close by the chair so that everything was within arm’s reach. She also had a platform built that raised the chair, making it easier for her to get up. Then there were a multitude of little things, such as placing caps on top of bottles but not screwing them down or leaving cupboard doors open so she didn’t have to pull them.
The cycle was set: less movement created weaker muscles, making moving even more difficult. Stiff joints became stiffer with less use, which begat even less use. And so on and so on…
Now, when I’m faced with any physical issue, whether joint stiffness or just not feeling like lifting another kettlebell, I tell myself to figure it out and push through. It’s not always easy, but the consequences are far worse!
Pharmaceuticals aren’t always the answer
My mom arrived with a set of prescription drugs that she took every day, as well as the aforementioned 8” tall bottle of Tums. High blood pressure, high cholesterol, arthritis, heartburn…I’m sure I’m forgetting something.
This may not be at the top of most people’s minds, but many common drugs have a host of side effects. Some are small things that can be tolerated, such as gastrointestinal and skin issues. Then, there are worse side effects that can cause actual harm, such as liver and kidney issues. There is so much that we don’t know about extended use and drug interactions; in my mind, it’s not worth the risk in the long run. I was determined to wean her off all the drugs if she was able to. Fortunately, I found a naturopathic doctor for her who shared my concerns and goals.
Along with encouraging her new, clean diet, he prescribed physical therapy, which was also a game changer. That dynamic duo of diet and exercise resulted in a 75-pound weight loss and the elimination of all her medications. I don’t even think I bought another bottle of Tums after the gigantic one was emptied.
I learned that there is plenty that can be done to avoid getting sucked into the endless loop of prescription drugs. Getting back to basics is a significant step.
Pay attention to micro-changes
I didn’t really think of this before my mom lived with us, but keeping tabs on small physical changes and addressing them prevents minor issues from becoming real problems. In reality, few really major matters just spring up overnight, so when smallish situations arose, I didn’t let them go for long before attending to them.
In retrospect, I believe that we avoided quite a few significant, life-impacting problems by heading them off at the pass. An ounce of prevention (and treatment) is definitely worth a pound of cure.
It’s never too late
My mom was living proof that it is never too late to improve your overall health and well-being. Although she was a cautionary tale, she was also an inspiration. If an 85-year-old woman can do it, we all can!
I often think of everything I learned during that period of time, and much of it is the basis for my Ageosophy today. If I have a bad day and fall off my food wagon or miss an exercise session, I don’t despair. I tell myself tomorrow is a new day to do it better, and to get back on track to live well, age great.