With Age Comes…Burnt Toast

There is always another piece of bread

You may know we have a soon-to-be 17-year-old son, Alessio. Holy smokes! Not sure where the time went…but that’s a whole other story. He has the typical teenager’s tendency toward really intense emotions—a proclivity that I remember well from my own teen years. The “it’s the end of the world,” “nothing else matters,” “my life is over,” extreme kind of responses to—what are in essence—fairly innocuous situations. As my husband is himself Italian and similarly impassioned, we joke that this is the Italian tragedy. Poor Alessio, on top of teenage angst, there is a genetic component!

Though we try to inject some levity, feeling things so deeply is no laughing matter. As a mom grasping for metaphors that will click with a stressed-out teenager, I haven’t yet hit on the right words to comfort him when he spins into the sorrow spiral. I’m trying so hard to impart the hard-won wisdom that this will pass and it will be OK, that we can look at it from another point of view, or that there are different approaches to take… but I confess I’m not having too much success yet in conveying this message to him.

But it occurred to me that this may be neither Alessio’s nor my shortcomings. I believe that we are only able to grasp this notion with perspective…which is acquired with time. Age gifts us with many invaluable tools. We develop an understanding that there are options…that nothing is the way it seems…that time heals…and that time provides solutions. If this piece of toast burns, there is a whole loaf of bread, it is just one piece of many, let’s try the next one. It’s just toast.

Battles and blessings
My husband and I are amid an unexpected life trauma right now that has my stomach in absolute knots from the moment I wake up in the morning. So much so that the other morning, when I was sitting on the side of the bed, talking to my husband Andrea through tears, a memory came back to me from when I was about 5 or 6 years old, likewise sitting on the side of my bed in similar stomach pain and in tears: my mom’s voice, ringing in my ears, “Cam, you’re a little worrywart…” 

I can hear the psychologists out there tut-tutting that my mom may have given me a self-fulfilling prophecy, but the truth of the matter is—I’m a worrywart from way back. It was nothing that needed nurturing; it has been a weak spot that I’ve struggled with since childhood. Issues balloon in my mind and I tend to get physically consumed by worry. The furrowed brow, insides-like-jello kind of worry… manifesting even with small things, such as I hate being late and get very angst-ridden when I’m put in that position, or I’m not fond of packing and worry constantly that I’m forgetting something…

But I have had a pleasant surprise in the last several years: the intensity of my worry has lessened. I’m able to rationalize my way out of the worry pit and to shrug off the smallish things more easily than in the past. I give credit to two things: 1) I may get more out of the pep talks I have with our son than he does; and 2) I’ve learned many valuable lessons from life's adversities, with perhaps the biggest being that I’m still standing. Somehow, I’ve made it through. And if I can do it once, I can do it again. In the ebb and flow of life's battles and blessings, I’ve found great lessons, solace, and inspiration.

Stress adds up
Although many factors affect longevity, the chemistry of anxiety and stress literally changes how our DNA ages, thus having a significantly negative effect on our bodies. 2022 Yale published research indicates chronic stress can indeed shorten our lifespans. 

What is especially interesting about these particular findings is that the study took into account resilience and emotional regulation. Those participants with stronger self-control skills had younger “biological ages” than those who didn’t, because the ability to mitigate stress extends beyond mental effects to our physical health.

Think about that for a moment. People who don’t sweat the small stuff “were more resilient to the effects of stress on aging and insulin resistance.” Making conscious decisions to have dominion over daily stressors is an investment in our health, and ultimately our longevity.

As a lifelong fretter, I now realize that all those small worries can add up to having a deleterious effect on my overall well-being. I’ve gotten to a place where I’ve made a very concerted effort not to make mountains out of molehills. For instance, the other morning my son was late getting out of the house for school, and as we were driving, I took the position of “we are late, so be it.” Which, for someone like me who is habitually early, was a giant pill to choke down.

I told him we’re not rushing; it is what it is, and we’ll do better next time. (Pass me the teacher’s red slip!) I didn’t spend the next 20 minutes frantically trying to shave off 15 seconds, and I wasn’t as stressed about it as I’ve been in the past. I was quite proud of this minuscule achievement because it was very unlike me. Life gives us many big stressors that are out of our control, but we can choose how we react to the everyday hiccups. That’s the true beginning of putting correlative wisdom into practice.

Balance and bread
This doesn’t mean I’ve become lackadaisical by any stretch of the imagination. I continually shoot for the stars and strive to always do my best. I still loathe being late and remain a chronic watch-watcher so I’m on time. But there is a balance to be struck. When that piece of toast burns, I’ve come to understand that it’s just that…burnt toast…there is another piece of bread in the loaf. Throw it out and let’s start over.

There are so many positives about getting older that are often overlooked, with gaining wisdom at the top of the list. With sage insight and a hard-won perspective, I know that I can choose how I react to the situations within my control and utilize methods to let go of worry and mitigate stress, all in my quest to live well, age great.

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